When even your dreams are invaded

Last night, I dreamed that I was in the therapist’s office. But the place was huge. There were a lot of doors. It looked nothing like the office actually does and more than four people worked there. I do not remember why I was there or how I got there, but this is certainly one of those times I wish I had kept a notebook and pen beside of my bed to write it down.

I was in the office…and I was having a panic attack. A major one. Crying, shaking, etc. I have not experienced one quite so severe since five and a half years ago when I was being rushed down the hall to the operating room for an emergency c-section.

I awoke at around 5:45, still feeling the anxiety. It felt so real.

———-

I have had so much on my mind for the past few days and it’s pretty obvious by my last post that one thing in particular has been at the front of my mind…

I was sitting at my desk last Friday and felt a tickle in my nose. I reached for a tissue and blew and was shocked to discover blood in the tissue. I went to the bathroom and it took about ten minutes for me to get the bleeding to stop. It wasn’t pouring out my nose or anything, but it was enough to cover the tissue in red splotches. I know, this sounds gross right now, but I am getting to a point.

I NEVER get nosebleeds. In fact, I had never ever had one in my life until I was pregnant with my son. During that time, I got them rather frequently: at least one or two times a week. So the next day when I discovered my nose bleeding again, a little alarm went off in my head. More paranoia, I suppose.

For the past week, I have had a nosebleed every. single. day. Sometimes I have two or three in a day. And it seems to be getting worse. It doesn’t make a bit of sense. Why on earth would I suddenly start having such frequent nosebleeds?

I’ve had an off and on minor headache as well. Nothing too severe, so I certainly don’t feel like heading to the ER or Urgent Care or anything (not like I could get out of all of this snow, anyways). I will certainly place a call to the Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist on Monday, however, who has been treating me for TMJ.

My stress level this week has been extraordinarily high, even for me. My mind has been a mess with everything going on and everything that I think is going on.

My therapist strongly recommended that I try taking a few minutes each day at least three days out of the week to have some time to myself and really relax. She also recommended that I stop using the computer right before bed and create for myself a bedtime routine to “train” my brain that it’s time to go to sleep (in the same way our brain learns that it’s time to wake up, though I won’t really say I have a regular morning routine either).

I am very bad to Google symptoms and spend hours reading medical information that may or may not pertain to me. I crave information; I never feel like I have enough, for some reason. I spend time on Pinterest pinning recipes I’ll never cook, crafts I’ll never make, and articles about budgeting and meal planning that I’ll probably never even read.

It’s pathetic.

So for the next week, I am going to make it my goal to try to relax. Resist the urge to use the computer quite so much. Read a book. Watch something on the Roku. Play a game with my kiddo. Listen to some music. Clean up all of this crap that has somehow accumulated to an increasingly unbearable amount in my home. Spend less money…

…though I might say I have improved drastically on the money management thing. The last bank overdraft really hit me…when we were left without any money for four days until my husband got paid. So now I am writing down everything we spend. I check the bank account multiple times in one day. I write down checks as soon as I write and send them and go ahead and subtract them from the amount of money that we actually have showing in the account and make that our amount that we truly have to spend. I feel so much better looking at my notebook and seeing where our money is going and what we really can afford. No more surprises when the landlord finally decides to cash the rent check. As soon as I deliver that check on the first of the month, that money is no longer available to spend.

So today I am feeling a little better than I have been. Here and there I’ll find a quick tidy job and get it done, but otherwise I am really trying to take it easy, trying to fend off an oncoming migraine and convince my son to head outside and build a snowman while he still can (though I can’t say I blame him; it is kind of windy out there).

 

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One thought on “When even your dreams are invaded

  1. […] So–long story, short (technically long story made short then abruptly made shorter, but who’s really keeping track of that…)–when I felt a tickle in my nose while sitting at my desk at work and wiped my nose with a tissue only to find blood(…and then more blood…oh, and some more from the other nostril, too), I only slightly panicked. […]

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