Something I have struggled with for quite some time now is making decisions. To put it bluntly, this really sucks. Why? Because life is chock full of decisions! Big decisions. Little decisions. What car will I buy? How many kids will I have? What career path do I want to choose? And it goes on and on and on…and I quickly find myself weary of having to make decisions.
At each new decision that I am presented with, I breathe a heavy exasperated sigh. “I know exactly what *insert situation here* means. Another decision to make. Another wave of anxiety.” Now watch as I stretch out my arms in front of the coming tide, throw back my head, and close my eyes to brace for impact.
This time is no different.
This morning, I was walking back to my desk with my freshly-signed time sheet in hand when my boss called me back. My first thought–of course–was not good. I always expect the worst. It turns out, however, that he wanted to speak to me about an…opportunity.
You see, I am employed by a staffing agency and am currently placed “temporarily” at this company. I am a contractor, so to speak. Each week I keep a record of my hours worked, obtain a signature from my supervisor, and send my time sheet in digital format back to the staffing agency for payment. (I have no idea why I had to explain the concept of a staffing agency, but apparently I just did anyway.)
Currently, the company is currently trying to fill a freshly opened IT help desk position; from what I can tell, this comes after some issues with being short-staffed (and short-tempered) as far as who covers the queue and divvies out the plethora of service and incident request tickets sent in by company employees.
Long story short…my boss asked me if I would be interested in said position. My heart jumped. I knew what this would mean. For weeks I have become frustrated with my work. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy what I am doing; the fact is that I was starting to feel as if I was stuck in a rut, digging my wheels, not really getting anywhere. Now where have I experienced this feeling before?
This would mean full-time employment with a rapidly growing company and all of the benefits and bells and whistles to go along with it. This would mean I would actually be getting some training and finally, truly pursuing a career to go along with my Computer Information Technology degree. This would mean a step higher on the corporate ladder. No longer would I be a tiny peon (okay, I probably would still be a peon), but I might truly feel like a member of a team and for once, not a loner.
So naturally after reading this, you would expect me to immediately perk up at the idea and say yes right then and there, right?
I wavered. I hesitated. I stuttered. Whatever you want to call it. However, I explained that I would certainly keep the position in mind.
It isn’t like I would really be going anywhere. I would be in the exact same location. They probably wouldn’t make me switch desks, either. So why on earth did I even second-guess this???
Ah, there it is again. That one hateful word. That thing that has been causing me so many problems as of late.
Upon telling my husband after I arrived home, I am pretty sure he was even more stunned than I was at myself. Why didn’t I just say YES?
I explained to him that applying for this position was certainly no guarantee, regardless of the fact that it was mentioned to me by my boss. Of course, if someone with ten years of help desk experience were to apply, they would be the obvious choice. I totally get that. And if I were to get the position, it would be a simple thing of changing some paperwork (for me) and then hiring someone else to take over my position as the IT Inventory Specialist. Someone else would be taking over my job as I moved on, yet still continued to look over my shoulder and get a glimpse into what’s going on. So exactly why does this even bother me?!
Okay…I’m taking a deep breath now…
Tomorrow morning, I will walk straight into the office, straight to my boss, and explain to him that I would certainly love to be considered for the position.
Because I don’t have to be the one to make decisions on my own.
For one, I’ve got my hubby. He’s there to be my better half and (non-literally, of course) knock some sense back into me. It isn’t just me making the decisions for myself. We are a family. We are making decisions for the benefit of all of us.
And most importantly, I have God to back me up. He’s the one that’s really making the decisions. As I struggle, He is up there moving His hands and placing me where He sees fit. He knows what is best for me, my life, and my family. I don’t have to worry about where I’m headed. And even though I lay here sleepless and fighting back against the waves of anxiety, I can still remember these things. As one anxious thought comes, I’ll hold up my stop sign.
STOP. God has this. Do not worry. Do not be afraid.