Guys, I finally did it.
Three months after my doctor initially suggesting that I visit a psychiatrist, I did it. I kept the appointment. I could never get up the courage to call and cancel it like the little voice in the back of my head was trying to push me to do.
So for the next few months I will be embarking on a new journey into therapy and personal counseling.
Yesterday was my initial appointment, and I found that I have a lot of junk cluttering in my brain. I don’t know how many times I kept getting off-track and roaming farther and farther away from each question I was asked. She did not seem to mind.
I imagine my life right now as a bunch of dominoes. On the outside, they look like they’re all stacked up nice and neat. They look sturdy. They look shiny and clean. Yet even the tiniest gust of wind that blows one down blows down every single one. It’s a never-ending domino effect. I don’t know how to make it stop.
To make myself a little more accountable, I am going to share with you some of the things I brought home from my first therapy session. We started out by making three goals, which I found to be increasingly difficult. The first goal was easy to blurt out, but the next two were a little more difficult. Do I really have to come up with only three?
My Top 3 Counseling Goals:
- Control Anxiety
- Stop Negative Self-Talk
- Work on Control Issues
My counselor also added the following to those three goals…
What would that look like in a day?
At this point, I really don’t know. I do know from the outside, my fingers would probably look better (as I’d stop picking them until they’re sore and they bleed). I’d probably look less awkward if I stopped chewing on my lips and the insides of my cheeks.
I can make goals all day long. I can tell myself, tell someone else, or even write down what I want to accomplish. But actually keeping those goals is an entirely different story. So, like I said, I’m trying to make myself more accountable.
She suggested that I start journaling and writing down my worrisome thoughts. Only then did I happen to remember: “Hey! I have a blog!” So I mentioned that. And I mentioned that occasionally I do go back and re-read what I had previously written. So perhaps before my next appointment (which is next Thursday), I will have re-read a good deal of my blog, my Tweets, and posts I have made to online forums and try to find a pattern. I want to try and find something specific to talk about and gather my thoughts before each session.
So I’ve also started something else on my own. I have sort of been doing this already by making lists upon lists, but I took out my notebook, opened to the next blank page and wrote the words “Brain Dump” at the top of the page. (I had to resist drawing a picture of a kawaii little pile of poo, just for humor.)
So whenever something comes across my mind, I am going to write it down right there on that page. And the next page. And the next. Then later, I can go back and look at all of that mess and try to make some sense out of it. Make some actual goals…
I will talk a little more about brain dumping a little later.
Thank God I did keep that appointment. I feel like I’m really going on the right track. The best part is, there are no side effects to therapy like I have been having with all of the pills I’ve been taking.