So Much

My sweet little boy is sitting right beside me right now building courses on Super Mario Maker. The kid smells like syrup from eating waffles with his cousin at his great-grandmother’s house earlier today. My hubby is fast asleep on my other side, snoring softly.

Things look pretty great right now, on the outside. I am so very blessed, yet I still find it difficult to stifle that little voice inside my head reminding me of everything wrong with me and my life right now.

The other day, my child’s pediatrician diagnosed my son with asthma. To me, it seems as if my sweet boy has been through so much. Earlier this year, he had to have an emergency appendectomy. Around a month later, he was in an ambulance on the way to the ER after I had found him laying in the floor next to his bed unresponsive, his eyes rolled back, and drooling profoundly from one corner of his little lips. I will never forget that moment that I found him. I grabbed his arm and shook. I called out his name. I screamed for my husband to come upstairs, to bring me the phone, and I dialed 9-1-1. I was bawling my eyes out. I was trembling. I panicked. What mother wouldn’t? Turns out, though, that he was having a febrile seizure due to rapidly changing internal body temperature and he had the flu. Since that terrifying night, I get extremely paranoid when my child shows any signs of feeling unwell. Really, that started after the appendectomy, but the panic has gotten so much worse. I often find myself facing a higher probability of a very real panic attack even when my mind falsifies so much as an insignificant cold symptom.

Here I go again. I cannot simply think of one thing without my thoughts spiraling out of control. One thought leads to another and very soon it is easy to find myself stuck in the pit again.

There has been so much going on and so much on my mind this week, it seems. Since my place of employment was closed for observance of Veteran’s Day, it was a short week. But for some reason, it has felt so long.

Headaches. Stress at work. Stress at home. Feeling like I’m not good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough. Worrying about legitimate worries. Worrying about made-up worries (since I have no better way to describe them). Feeling anxious. Feeling tired. Feeling depressed. Did I mentioned stress? Because that’s really the big one.

I look at the mess in my home and wonder how on earth I am ever going to clean it all up. The truth is, I have really let things go. I don’t mean letting things go like Elsa, either. I’m not letting go of any weights upon my shoulders. I’m letting go of important things, and that is really, really NOT. GOOD.

I am too ashamed to admit some of the things that I have let go. There’s the typical laundry and dishes. Such dreaded household chores are usually the first to go when one begins to feel tired, weak, and helpless. No. I’ve been letting go of things much more important. Like paying the rent on time. I am covering my face in shame right at this moment. Okay, I covered my face and took a deep breath in and then I continued typing. After all, the words have to spell out on the screen somehow.

In the midst of everything on my mind and everything going on around me, I am finding it difficult to react consistently. Some days I let it motivate me. Some days, I let it push me further and further down into the pit. Some days I don’t feel like eating. Some days I want to eat everything (and usually regret it later). Kind of like right now: I just wolfed down two slices of pizza and some root beer. It is currently 10:18 PM. What on God’s green earth have I just done to myself?!

This is utterly ridiculous.

It’s past time I really do let it go like Elsa. Unfortunately, saying and doing are two completely different things entirely.

Focus on the blessings. I have lots of things that others do not. I have a loving family. I have friends. I have the basic necessities of life: food, clean drinking water, clothing, shelter, etc. I have a great job, even if it does make me want to pull my hair out sometimes. I have a very supportive and very loving church family.

Trust me, I know. It can be hard to focus on the blessings when there’s so much on your mind already.

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