“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” – Proverbs 3:5
Lately, I’ve been trying my very hardest to remember this verse, especially in times of great uncertainty. When I am feeling as if there is a great weight upon my shoulders and I do not know how to even begin to lift it off, I think back to this very verse. At least, most of the time. I will not lie. Sometimes I find myself so succumbed by worrisome thoughts that all I can bear to do is place both hands on either side of my face, lean my elbows against the desk in front of me, and shut my eyes–if even for a few seconds.
This week has been one of the most difficult ones as of late as far as anxious thoughts, uncertainty, depression, etc. goes. As a matter of fact, I daresay since I have been on medication for such things I have not had a week quite this bad.
It all started on Sunday around 2:00 when I began to develop a migraine. (A few days before that, I had sharp pains in the bottom of my right foot from out of nowhere. Whether or not that was some form of pre-migraine aura I have yet to discover.) As most migraines do, it began to make me extremely sensitive to the light; all I wanted to do was pull the blankets over my head. I wanted to shut out the world. I shushed every noise above a whisper and squeezed my eyes shut in a vain attempt at blocking out the light from my sensitive eyes. The aching was so constant and so profound, that I soon found myself wanting to do nothing besides lay down and sleep. The migraine did last/has lasted for days. Even now, I can still feel a small, dull ache in the spot between my eyes. The pain has moved from one eye to the other and for the past several days has finally settled between the both of them. This is the longest migraine I have ever had. Supposedly the migraines are caused by both TMJ and anxiety, but I do have an appointment with my healthcare provider tomorrow and plan to discuss this particular week-long episode with her.
Besides the nearly constant migraine, feelings of overwhelming measure have passed through me this week. At times, I felt as if I could do nothing. I felt as if I could not even stand up. I have no energy whatsoever. No motivation. I know what needs to be done, but I have no clue whatsoever as to where to begin. I’ve spent so much time wondering how rather than actually doing. It’s pretty pathetic, when I really stop to think about it. I come to my senses and think what a lazy slob I have become. I let the dishes and the laundry pile up and I forget even such important appointments as the first PTO meeting at my child’s school, in which the kindergarten class would be singing. I am truly ashamed of myself.
Along with the feeling of shame, panic has slowly started to set in. I’m worried the medication isn’t helping like it should, yet at the same time I worry about the prospect of increasing the dosage. I dread the day I decide to get off of these things. However, I spent a great deal of time praying to God before I finally made the appointment and discussed the feelings with my doctor–the first time I had really discussed such things in a good long time. I felt a small–yet important–victory after I walked out of the doctor’s office that day. Yet when I actually got home and opened the pill bottles, I began to have a sense of unease until I was reminded at how much prayer I had put into the decision and how everything had seemed to fall into place.
Though after the week I have had, I am beginning to doubt that the medication alone is adequate. It has been a particularly stressful week–actually, the last couple of weeks–with my husband’s surgery, work, my child’s increasing bad behavior at school, and the other possible health issues I have been facing (which will hopefully be pinpointed by an upper endoscopy procedure on the 21st of this month).
Hopefully I can learn to shut out all of the stress that continues to creep its way into my life. It isn’t fair to those around me–that they cannot depend on me to do what needs to be done. That I feel like doing nothing besides laying in bed all day. That I barely have any energy whatsoever and am consistently yawning, losing focus, etc. How can I be who I need to be if I can’t be 100%? At this point, I’m not even sure that I am halfway there…