Feeling Strangely Fine

There’s this voice in the back of my head reminding me that things are getting way out of control, but I’m strangely okay with that. Let me explain…

I am the type of person who panics whenever something goes wrong. Normally. That IS “normal” for me. The fact that I am not panicking is what is concerning me. Perhaps it is the medication finally making a noticeable adjustment to my moods, but I feel oddly numb to everything going on around me. Without going into a large, unnecessary rant, let me explain–in a nutshell–what is going on in my chaotic life right now:

  • Getting adjusted to a new job, which has really thrown me for a loophole. The world of I.T. is crazy, I tell you! (But so far, I’m still loving it!) +1 postivity
  • Along with new job, still working weekend nights as a cashier–7 day work week, hoorah!
  • Husband is facing upcoming surgery.
  • Owing a debt to the hospital for some tests that I had done, that I was shocked to discover (after all was said and done) that insurance did not cover what I had thought they would (Now let’s add hubby’s upcoming surgery to that debt…)
  • I am supposed to be getting an appointment with a gastroenterologist to discuss an issue with my stomach not digesting correctly (I honestly think I may have I.B.S., but we shall see, if the appointment is ever made). Basically, I often feel sick after eating and have been having a lot of different stomach issues which I will not discuss.
  • Just found out today that my child’s medical insurance is currently nonexistent…after taking him for a dental cleaning.
  • Hubby’s car is going to cost us $1,600 to fix. His grandparents offered to pay $600 and let us pay them back, but we still can in no way afford that. More than likely looking at getting a loan so that we can get his car back on the road and return a loaner.
  • My car severely needs the brakes checked. We learned this after we rear-ended someone today. (Everything/everyone was okay. We were–luckily–following someone we knew, it did no damage to my good ol’ faithful Explorer, and only left a few scuff marks on his and he was not at all angry about it. But he also had a newer car and was able to stop on a dime right in front of us…no wonder we hit him.)

I am sure that this list is, indeed, only scratching the surface of everything that is going on in my life right now. It’s crazy. But it’s life. Sure, I’m still awake at 11:33 PM just typing away when I should be asleep, but other than that, I am strangely…okay. No panic attacks. No lashing out in anger. Headache (that could possibly be caused by being at the fair). I can still feel the anxiety trying its very hardest to claw its way back into the front of my mind. Right now, it’s crammed in a box in the back of my mind, but I can feel it starting to claw its way out. I can hear it screaming at me, taunting me, laughing at me. It may never be gone completely, but right now, it’s better. And right now, better is enough.


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